There is a branch of social philosophy that advocates for the idea that one should live in the moment. It teaches that one should “avoid expectations” in favor of simply living in the present and seeing what comes. This philosophy posits that expectations are always false because they are constructs of the mind, rather than manifestations of present reality. This philosophy claims the advantage of protecting one from emotional pain because disappointment is always connected to unfulfilled expectations.
This philosophy makes a strong point because, as modern cognitive science has shown, one cannot live anywhere but the present. The future has not yet arrived and the past is merely a memory. The present is what your senses are taking in from moment to moment. This is your “live” experience.
However, expectations are also the result of natural, human, cognitive processes. A person does not take any deliberate action without having anticipated, or expected, a particular result. Sometimes, perhaps most of the time, the actual result varies from the anticipated result. Nevertheless, living requires one to act, so expectations cannot be avoided.
Expectations are essential to a full life
As one grows, matures, and develops a memory databank of past experiences, one begins to use the past as a guide to the future. This is how one learns to walk and talk. I “expect” that if I put this foot here and then that foot there, I will move toward my objective. The objective, whether it is a toy or Mommy’s arms, is in the future, and it may or may not turn out to be as wonderful as anticipated, but it is the expectation of future pleasure that motivates the child to walk.
The problem with trying to live one’s life completely devoid of expectations is that it is contractive rather than expansive. You may avoid the emotional pains of failed expectations, but you will miss the joys of anticipation and fulfillment. Even the uncertainty that comes with expectations, though sometimes uncomfortable, adds mystery and the excitement of possibility to one’s life. If you dedicate your life to avoiding pain, you limit your ability to find joy.
And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.
1 Corinthians 13:13
The Apostle Paul listed faith, hope, and love (charity) as the three essential elements of a happy life. Living a life devoid of any expectations eliminates the possibility of experiencing any of these three elements in life.
Faith is a form of expectation
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
Hebrews 11:1
Hebrews chapter 11 is Paul’s great sermon on faith. He points out that all of the great events in the history of the world, from the creation of the earth, through the actions of the patriarchs and the prophets, to our eventual resurrection from the dead, are the result of faith.
Faith is a manifestation of trust. We trust that the sun will come up tomorrow. We trust that the other people will stop at the red light so that we may proceed safely on the green. And we trust that the Lord Jesus Christ has paid the price for our sins that we may be redeemed.
Of course, our trust in other people is sometimes disappointed, and the spinning of the Earth on its axis may someday change. But these possibilities are not a good reason to refuse to trust people and back away from participating fully in the world. Only our trust in the Lord can be absolute — and He probably isn’t returning today.
The point is that faith, the expectation of the next sunrise as well as our expectation of an eventual glorious resurrection, gives stability and comfort to our lives. There are actually many things that we count on being consistent in our lives every single day – we expect them to be there. We have faith in them. And that faith makes our daily life possible.
Hope is a form of expectation
Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.
2 Nephi 31:20
Hope is the longing for a blessing or benefit. It is the desire for a happy, positive, outcome. Hope is a tremendous motivator of human action.
Hope is directly related to faith. It is perhaps not as confident a belief in a happy future as faith is, but hope is bright and encouraging. It promotes a positive outlook and motivates constructive action toward desired outcomes.
The farmer plants hoping for (and expecting) a bounteous harvest. The student engages in study hoping to gain knowledge and insight (and perhaps a degree). Righteous behavior increases one’s hope for salvation and hoping for salvation increases one’s righteous behavior.
All of these are healthy, positive, motivating types of expectations that can lead our lives toward greater accomplishment and happiness.
Love both fulfills and creates expectations
Nothing brings greater joy in life than loving relationships. This is especially true within families. A loving family is the greatest blessing one could have and is surely the fulfillment of anyone’s hopeful expectations. As taught by the Church of Jesus Christ, an eternal family is the greatest of God’s blessings.
Yet, loving relationships bring expectations. If you give your heart to someone, you expect that you will be cherished and respected. You expect to find ongoing safety and security in the relationship. You expect a friendly and comfortable companionship. You hope to find patience and kind understanding of your faults and foibles. You expect your loved one to sacrifice for you as you sacrifice for them.
These expectations, it is true, can potentially lead to hurtful, even devastating, disappointments. Yet the risk is always worth it. The upside, the potential for everlasting joy and happiness, is so great that any cost is worth the price. Even if a relationship falls short of its potential, if one’s hopes and expectations are disappointed (such as in a divorce), the beauty that was once present often lives on (in one’s children). Also, though not fun, disappointment brings with it wisdom and personal growth.
Conclusion
I can understand the need to try and avoid unrealistic expectations. People do have a tendency sometimes to engage in wishful thinking, or to get their hopes up too high, or to be overly optimistic. Also, sometimes problems can arise, not through unrealistic expectations, but, rather, by making false assumptions – about a situation or about another person.
With a little effort these problems can usually be cleared up if one is simply willing to pause, take a deep breath, and seek more information. Clear communication is the solution to many unrealistic expectations and false assumptions.
It is always valuable to be able to adjust our expectations daily as things change and we accumulate more knowledge. But if one is determined to live a life with no expectations at all, one will also live a life without faith, hope, or love.
Additional reading
Scott Savage, “Expectations: Avoiding Disappointment in Relationships,” Scott Savage Live (Blog).
Scott Savage, “When We Make Assumptions,” Scott Savage Live (Blog).
Good thoughts… in recovery there is a recognition that “expectations are premeditated resentments.” In Colleenn Harrison’s He Did Deliver Me From Bondage, she writes that in dealing with her own co-dependence she had a spiritual conversation that had the question, “If I give up my expectations, what is left for me?” And the answer was “Hope.”
One of the things that has kept me active and enthusiastic LDS is that whenever I ran across some thing I did not expect, I asked, “What should I expect?” And those answers, over the years, have always been interesting, mind-expanding, and soul enlarging.
One example of that is when my wife and I looked up “sustain” in a good dictionary.
1. To keep up; keep going; maintain. Aid, assist, comfort.
2. to supply as with food or provisions:
3. to hold up; support
4. to bear; endure
5. to suffer; experience: to sustain a broken leg.
6. to allow; admit; favor
7. to agree with; confirm.
Collectively, it means that when I raise my hand to sustain LDS leaders, I do not expect them to act like God’s sock puppets, or extensions of my own ideals, but as people whose inspirations are conditioned on expedience and asking, who “inasmuch as they erred, it shall be made manifest” but that He has called as servants, nevertheless. So in sustaining, I tell God that my trust is in His purposes, and that in the meantime, I will put up with the crap in favor of his longterm thoughts which will, I expect, will serve his purposes, and produce his harvest.
Thoughtful comment, Kevin. Thank you. Living in the now happily is easier with the ability to move on from the past and hope for the future.